SOME THOUGHTS ABOUT LAWYER JOKES,
AND SOME LAWYER JOKES


There are jokes about many different professionals: e.g., doctors' high incomes and their golf, politicians who lie or duck issues, and TV journalists more at home with a blow dryer than with a microphone.  But many jokes about lawyers seem to be particularly vicious.
Why is the public's image of lawyers so low that they gleefully compare lawyers to sharks, lab rats, skunks, and toxic waste dumps, and even make joke after joke about literally killing them
There are, I think, several reasons:
1. People react with strong emotions because they generally gain their impressions of lawyers at stressful times: e.g., when arrested, or when getting sued, a divorce, etc.
2. On the average, half of all people involved in law suits lose, and even many winners don't get what they want and expect.  In contrast, most medical patients recover.
3. Surveys show that people generally like their own lawyers, but resent the tactics of the opposing lawyers, particularly when the clients are on the losing side.  By way of contrast, in medicine there are no opposing doctors. [Imagine if every time you went into an operating room there was, in additional to your own doctor trying to save your life, another one also in the room trying just as hard to see that you didn’t make it.]
4. Government is increasingly seen as intrusive and its rules incomprehensible, and lawyers are seen as both the cause and the beneficiaries.
5. Many people believe that lawyers make nothing but money and trouble, build nothing but court records, and produce nothing but delays.
6. Most laymen don't appreciate that fundamental constitutional and other legal rights often have to be protected by lawyers defending very bad people, and that even the worst criminals are entitled to legal representation.
7. Doctors make more money than lawyers, but they also save lives.  The only lives people see lawyers saving are those of murderers.


BELOW ARE SOME ALL-TOO-TYPICAL LAWYER JOKES
Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk and a dead lawyer lying in the road?
 A: The skid marks in front of the skunk!
 NOTE: This joke is so infamous that the punch line -- "SKID MARKS" -- is the title of a book about lawyers.  Another book is entitled "WHAT TO DO WITH A DEAD LAWYER," and still another book simply says "KILL THE LAWYERS!"
Q: Why do sharks help rescue lawyers who fall overboard?
 A: Professional courtesy!
 NOTE: There are actually candies similar to gummy bears called "GUMMY LAWYERS" -- they are molded into the shape of a shark and, like attorneys, leave a bad taste in your mouth.  There is also a T-shirt showing a hungry shark with a tie and briefcase -- it says "DON'T FEED THE LAWYERS"].
Q: What should you do if you find a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand?
 Q: Get more sand!
Q: Why should we use lawyers instead of lab rats for medical experiments?
 A: They replicate themselves faster, do things rats won't do, and are less likely to be missed!
Q: What do you call 2000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
 A: A good beginning!
Q: Why does California have the most lawyers, and New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?
 A: New Jersey had first choice!
Q: What happens when a lawyer steps into a pile of cow manure?
 A: It looks like he's melting!
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of manure?
 A: The bucket!
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
 A: His lips are moving!
Q: What's brown and black and looks good on any lawyer?
 A: A Doberman!
Q: What is a criminal lawyer?
 A: Redundant!
Q: What's the difference between vultures and lawyers?
 A: Vultures don't get frequent-flyer discounts!
Q: What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
 A: One is a bottom-dwelling, garbage-eating scavenger.  The other is a fish!
Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
 A: Only one in 2 million do anything worthwhile!
Q: How do you know when it is really cold?
 A: It's the only time when lawyers put their hands in their own pockets!
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
 A: Cut the rope!
Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
 A: When a bus load of lawyers goes off a cliff!
Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
 A: There was an empty seat!
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
 A: Stick his bill up his ass!
Q: Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
 A: From chasing parked ambulances!
Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
 A: In the cemetery!
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
 A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time!
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
 A: A vampire only sucks blood at night!
Q: Why do lawyers wear neckties?
 A: To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins!
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
 A: When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance!
Q:  If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why shouldn't you swerve to hit him?
 A:  It might be your bicycle!
  
 Q. Why did they stop putting lawyers on stamps?
A. Because people didn't know which side of the stamp they should spit on!